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Flight Into Terror
The Craggy Island priests are on a plane with a large group of other such priests. Dougal shows Ted the items he has bought in the duty-free shop at the airport: an electronic sticky-tape dispenser, which announces how many inches have been used and a "joke telephone" which turns out to be a dog toy. Ted has bought a moneybox with a figure of a golfer on top which when money is inserted produces a pop-up Virgin Mary. As they settle down for the flight Ted appears uneasy at the prospect of flying. Later, as Ted reads Michael Barrymore's autobiography, he finds out that Father Noel Furlong is aboard. He has been left in charge of Father Fintan Fay, a priest who appears to behave in the manner of a monkey, and asks if he would like to take a look at the cockpit. Noel asks if Dougal would like to come along too and despite Ted's protests finds himself entering the cockpit with Furlong and Fay. There he is tempted by a large red button, which has a sign on it telling anyone who sees it not to press it. Suddenly Father Fay attacks the pilot, covering his eyes and sending the plane into a nosedive. Noel explains that he has seen his reflection, something that is not supposed to happen, as he does not know he is a priest. The pilot tells Dougal to press the red emergency button, which just happens to be beside the button with the "do not press" sign. Ted is irritated by someone who is repeatedly throwing paper balls at him from behind and gets up to confront his assailant. He notices one of the priests, who is wearing earphones and dark glasses, laughing and makes a move towards him. When asked if he is blind and why he is laughing so uncontrollably by Ted, he replies that he is listening to Mr. Bean and that he is in fact blind, holding up a cane to add further emphasis and further embarrass Ted. He digs himself into more holes before leaving, spotting two unruly and raucous nuns giggling as he passes. Ted sits down again and we see the nuns throwing more paper at Ted. Ted gets up in a rage and heads in their direction. One of the nuns stands and Ted is shocked to see that she is quite intimidating and quickly changes his mind, heading to the toilet instead. He opens the door to reveal a spacious and luxurious toilet with an attendant who tells him that this is the first-class toilet and that he must present a first-class ticket to use it. Frustrated, Ted uses the more cramped lower-class toilets. He struggles to open the door as Dougal returns from the cockpit asking to speak to him. Dougal tells Ted that someone pressed a button in the cockpit that shouldn't have been pressed and that one of the fuel tanks has been emptied. They do not have enough fuel to make an emergency landing and there are only two parachutes aboard the plane. Ted asks what film this is from again and Dougal in his usual unbothered manner replies that it's real. Ted accurately guesses that Dougal was the one who pressed the button. Ted heads to the cockpit with Dougal where he agrees with the pilot that none of the other priests should find out about what has happened. Ted presses the emergency button - and a siren goes off with an automated voice telling the other priests that it is an emergency. The pilot has apparently never had to use this button before and thus did not know what to expect. Panic breaks out on the plane. Ted takes control of the situation. He comes up with a novel idea: each priest should write a 200 word composition on "Why I Should Get the Parachute" and the winners could leap to safety before the plane crashes into the ocean. However this idea descends into chaos. Father O'Shea asks if he may use his laptop since the plane is going to crash anyway and it doesn't matter if it interferes with the engines. He asks if Ted has any idea who will own the copyright if he wanted to publish his autobiography but Ted reminds him that he is probably going to die. Father Gallagher then suggests that the priests simply pray to God and hope that he helps them... however the other priests just wince in embarrassment at this ludicrous suggestion and he quickly sits back down. Father O'Shea is then disqualified altogether when he fails to keep within the time limit set by Ted and continues to type erratically when the other priests have stopped. Father Cave then confesses his undying love for his colleague Father Gallagher who is sitting beside him and begs that a parachute be given to him instead. Father Fay's argument receives a standing ovation, in spite of the fact it is mostly gibberish. Father Flynn produces a drawing of himself "in the nip" with a dog and is surprised to hear that he was supposed to be competing for a parachute as he wasn't listening at the start. As Ted watches on exasperatedly, Jack runs by with a big grin on his face: the pilot then enters the cabin and tells Ted the parachutes are gone. Jack is last seen pushing the plane's drinks trolley with a parachute attached through the plane's doors into the clouds and then proceeds to jump off himself, attached to the second and final parachute. With all hope seeming to have quite literally gone out the door, the pilot tells Ted the plane could possibly be saved from crashing if someone had sticky-tape to seal up the fuel lines, although having asked around it appears that there is none on the plane. Ted asks Dougal to hand him the dispenser he bought back at the airport (although Dougal initially hands him the "joke telephone" dog toy and Ted waves it about smugly before realising his mistake). Then all that is needed is for someone to go out on the wing of the plane, that someone being Ted since he seems to have a fine head on him in these situations.Ted disappears below the plane and Dougal hands him the sticky-tape. The dispenser tells him that he has used three inches of sticky-tape. Eventually Ted is heard to cheer as he has solved the problem and the priests will all be safe. Dougal remarks that everything's back to normal, which everything is...including Ted's fear of flying. He then screams as his fear returns and he realises where he is as demonstrated when Ted shrieks "What am I doing on the feckin' wheels?!". Back at the Parochial House, Dougal answers the telephone (an unusual occurrence that he should be left in charge of it) to discover there is still no news of Jack's whereabouts. Mrs Doyle appears and the two discuss Ted's condition. The shot pans out to reveal Ted, still attached to the wheel of the plane (which has ended up in the front room), shaking with terror, eyes wide and holding on for dear life (though Dougal optimistically remarks Ted seems to be loosening his grip). Jack is shown to have landed in a tree: the trolley load of drink is hanging just out of Jack's reach and he is heard shouting: "Drink! Feck! Arse!" as he is revealed to be dangling from a tree desperately trying to reach the alcohol, but ended up breaking down in tears, since the trolley was beyond his reach. Following the credits the moments on the plane, following the announcement that the priests are safe, are shown. As everyone else celebrates, Father Cave is seen shrinking into his seat unable to look at Father Gallagher who himself does not know what to do.